5 Things I Wish I'd Known: The Newborn Stage

Well, I think it's time for a little bit of honesty about the newborn stage, which was, by far, the most difficult thing I've ever experienced.  All pregnant women are bombarded by various generally true, but also really vague, warnings, such as how you should "sleep now, as you'll never get to sleep when the baby comes" (I'm not a bear, and I can't hibernate, and I have to go to work because they sure as hell aren't going to pay me not to, so what do you want me to do?) and how you should enjoy date nights now because you won't have any more for awhile (YOU try to enjoy a date night when you weigh fifty pounds more than usual, have to squeeze into the booth, can't have a glass of wine, and really just want to be on the couch with a bucket of chocolate icing and/or sleeping) (I am totally guilty of telling pregnant ladies both of these, by the way).

So, here are some things I wish I'd known before the newborn stage.  I'm definitely NOT a parenting expert, and I fully recognize that no two moms experience the same thing, and that there's absolutely no way I can cover all the important things I experienced, but here are a few of the big things that I think deserve to be documented. Including some things which probably sound a little negative, but which I think are important to remember, as I know I will forget all this when round two comes around and I revert back to being a walking pregnant zombie who only sees puppies and rainbows in the future.  

1. You won't "know" your baby for awhile:   During pregnancy, I convinced myself that I knew my baby, or that I would immediately know everything about my baby.  But when Scott laid Bailey on my chest for the first time, I was intensely aware that she was a separate individual from me - a fact which had not been true until minutes beforehand.  I knew I loved her, and I was in complete awe of her, but I also knew I didn't KNOW her.  

This lack of knowledge continued for awhile.  Newborns don't smile (at least not in reaction to anything).  They don't hug.  Nor do they give any sign that they think of you as anything other than a milk machine.  The only way they communicate is crying when you do something wrong or don't anticipate their needs before they have them.  Or when you just change their diaper and/or clothing.  The baby's inability to provide any positive interaction or reaction for the first few weeks of life results in a very one-sided relationship. Despite the wonderful snuggly moments that also occur during this time, I definitely struggled with this one-sidedness a little bit.

[note: the interaction gets better every single day.  Around 6 to 8 weeks, you'll start to see some truly sincere smiles that will make your heart melt and make you finally realize that you very well may be doing something right.  While I won't say it's before you know it - because I still distinctly remember those first seemingly unending, blurry, sleep-deprived weeks - I will say that very soon, you will have a babbling, smiling, mess of a baby who will show you just how much she loves you by jumping up and down and giving a joyful cry when you walk into the room, as she just wants to hug on you and give you slobbery open-mouthed kisses that will get your hair all sticky and mess up your work outfits.  And then you'll KNOW you're doing something right and start fighting the urge to have another baby.]

2.  Even though you don't know your baby, she or he will be the most beautiful baby you've ever seen:  I could - and often would - literally stare at Bailey almost all day, overcome with how beautiful she was.  I would take picture after picture with my iPhone, digital camera, and any other recording device I could find, just trying to capture the beauty I saw before me.  We literally have hundreds of photos and many, many of videos - even of her doing nothing, or just waking up - because we just couldn't get enough of her (now that I think about it, I'm not sure this stage ever ended for me....she's still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen).

3.  Breastfeeding can be really, really HARD:  I know we've already covered this - and I know it's not that hard for everyone, so I don't want to beat a dead horse.  But just in case, do yourself a favor and take a class.  Talk to people who have been successful and actually LISTEN (I had a hard time with that). Also, please realize that even if you don't nurse, feeding a baby is work, and it's work that the mom is going to do 90% of the time, no matter how supportive your husband is.

But also, cut yourself some slack.  If you have a hard time, or even if you just don't like it - please realize that formula is there for a reason.  And your baby will only be happy and healthy when YOU are happy and healthy.  If you still don't believe me, read this (oops - just fixed the link to go to the first page of the article instead of the third - sorry if that was confusing!).

3.  The worst sound in the whole world is hearing your baby cry:  I'm honestly not sure anything could ever have prepared me for the panic and extraordinary level of stress that comes with hearing your baby cry and not knowing what to do about it, or not being able to do something about it immediately, or even the constant anxiety you feel when your baby's not crying, because you know that he or she could cry AT ANY MOMENT.  Scott and I were already sleep-deprived and stressed, but when Bailey started crying we I would get all twitchy and panicked and we'd usually end up snapping at each other or fighting over what to do.  All that mattered was getting her to Stop. Crying. 

This is somewhat embarassing to admit, but one night we ended up in the ER because Bailey had screamed (not fussed, not cried.  SCREAMED!) for literally 3 hours almost non stop (just in case you think we were totally overreacting, we only made the trip after talking to our pediatrician, who heard Bailey's screaming over the phone and recommended that we go) (another sidenote about this visit - Scott was right, they didn't find anything wrong, and it happened while I was still nursing, about 3 days before we learned Bailey was not gaining even nearly enough weight.  So, with the benefit of hindsight, I'm pretty sure this screaming episode was caused solely from the fact that she was so hungry - I did try to nurse her, but she wouldn't calm down enough to do it, and apparently it wouldn't have helped anyway.  Talk about mommy guilt - that was literally the worst night of my life, as I very nearly injured some nurses for making my sweet less-than-2-week-old cry (even harder than she had been) by putting her IV and catheter in.  Uhhh.)

4.  You have to give up some control:  As a mom, you soon realize that, no matter how wonderful your husband and family are, you are going to end up doing 90% of the work.  Even if you're not nursing, your maternal instincts, or hormones, or whatever, will cause you to push everyone out of the way to get to your baby when he or she cries.  Plus, your husband will probably go to work, and you'll take care of your baby all day long.

While this is wonderful bonding time, it will likely lead you to develop some strong opinions on how your baby should be cared for, and when your husband, or your mom, or anyone else, decides to help by putting YOUR baby down for a nap, or changing her diaper, or giving her a bottle, you will literally want to scream.  And if you're sleep deprived enough, you will.  Because what if they don't put the diaper on right?  What if they don't scrub their hands for exactly 37 seconds before touching anything that could potentially go in your baby's mouth?  Oh my gosh, they're not going to say the prayer you always say before you put your baby to sleep.  They're not going to whisper "time to go night night" and your baby is going to be so confused and will probably be up all night and then WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!?! (hint: nothing different).  (p.s. Scott has informed me that others will have some of the same thoughts in reverse, but MOM is always right . . . right?).

This explains it all.  And yes, new mama, back off the crazy train and just let your husband and/or mom do what he or she will do.  I promise, you will be pleasantly surprised, and you will also enjoy being able to use the bathroom or fix dinner without a baby in your arms.

5.  You need to enjoy every minute:  I know, I tried to stay away from the generally true cliches, but this one can't be said enough.  You have no idea, but you will soon miss this sleep-deprived, no difference between day and night, snuggly, squeaky life.  Take your time, snuggle that baby up, and just enjoy the ride.  I'm definitely still learning every day how much I don't know about this parent thing, but this is one lesson that I'm taking to heart for EVERY stage.