The stages of pregnancy....

[EDITED TO ADD: Just so that there is no possibility of confusion, I'm NOT pregnant.  Not even a little bit.  Just thought it was fun to remember this, especially since I'm NOT pregnant.]

So I just read this post from a pregnant friend who has reached the inevitable "the end is in sight now I might freak out" stage of pregnancy. 

I loved her post and it reminded me of all the various stages of pregnancy.  The good thing about these stages is they kind of actually DO prepare you for being a parent, but only in that as soon as you get used to one stage and think you can maybe handle it, it all changes again.  Welcome to parenthood!

While I started to make this post an open letter to answer her questions, instead I got a wee bit carried away with writing about the stages of pregnancy so I'll do a post with the answering later (or, if not, I'll at least send you a fb message Lauren!)

So, here's my take on the stages of pregnancy....(yes, I realize I've only had one pregnancy and that pregnancy ended almost a year (A FREAKING YEAR!) ago, so some of this may be out of order, and I also know that I'm not an expert and that everyone goes through things in different order.):

1. Positive! The test was positive!  I'm pregnant - oh geez I  am so excited even though I have NO idea what to do.  All I DO know is that I just can't wait to have a cute little baby bump :):):).

2.  Ohhhhh man, why does everything STINK (if you walk in my office with a cup of coffee again, I'll cut you) and why do I feel so terrrrible ALL THE TIME?  Sleep....I just neeeed to sleeeeeeeeeeep......zzzzzzz

3.  Oh my gosh that is NOT a bump, my pants are just tight, I think the extra snacks are catching up with me?  I still feel terrible but now I also feel super fat and ALL I can think about is what is this baby what is this baby what is this baby? Girl....I think it's definitely girl.  No, I had a dream about a boy last night, so it's definitely a boy....only 61 days til we can find out!  Also, I'm sonauseousIcan'tbreathe uhhhh.

4.  FINALLY I feel somewhat human again....wait, there's some nausea....no, it's ok, much better.  And, I have a baby BUMP!  Ok, maybe no one else can see it but me but THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT REAL.  Also, I'm starving and I need a snack. NOW!!!

5.  Did I just feel the baby move?  I swear I felt something...or was that gas?  Yep, it was gas......  Only 28 days and 5 hours until we can find out what this baby is!  I'm going to take another online quiz that will help me decide what I think it is....and check out that chinese gender calendar to see what it says.  Maybe I should by that intelligender thing?  I wonder if I know anyone in the medical field that could get me an early ultrasound.....

6. Ok, now I definitely feel something.  And the clerk at Target told "both of us" to have a good day!  That is total proof that MY LITTLE BABY BUMP IS SO CUTE!  But wait a second.....this shirt is feeling tighter on my arms....and my thighs seem to be expanding....that's not supposed to be happening. Oh well I JUST FELT THE BABY MOVE AGAIN!  And only 6 days and 2 hours until we found out what this sweet baby is!  YAY!

7. IT'S A BOY/GIRL!  I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!! SHOPPING - ALL I WANT TO DO IS SHOP!  Look at all these cute clothes!!!

8.  Man, is it hot in here, or is it just me?  And wow, this bump is . . . . . big.  And getting . . . . .bigger!  And these maternity clothes somehow seem to be getting . . . smaller?  Who cares - we must find nursery furniture!  And learn what the eff all that stuff is in babies r us so we can register before our shower! And paint the nursery (wait can I be around wet paint? I don't know let me google that real quick....)

9.  When did everything get SO dirty?  I MUST CLEAN IT ALL.  And OUCH, baby, that really hurt, please get away from my . . . whatever you just kicked.  And NO, baby, that did not mean to move to the bladder. Yep, now I have to go to the bathroom again . . . Also, can someone please turn up the A/C?  And get me a snack. 

10.  WHAT AN AWESOME SHOWER WE HAVE THE CUTEST STUFF EVER!  Our friends are amazing look at all these cute gifts and clothes and stuffed animals and the nursery looks so cute . . . but wait.  We need diapers.  And diaper rash stuff.  And some bottles just in case.  And ohmygosh we still need one of EVERYTHING in babies r us!  But my feet hurt, and I'm burning up, so let's make it quick....

11.  Ok, baby, that really HURTS, and oh, yep, that's my bladder again.  And why do I have random shooting pains in my groin area . . . THIS BUMP IS NO LONGER CUTE.  IT IS HUGE AND IT KEEPS GETTING BIGGER AND I CANNOT STAND UP WITHOUT MAKING OLD PEOPLE GRUNTING NOISES.  Only 35 days til the baby comes, yay!

12.  AHHHHH!!!!  OH MY GOSH ONLY 35 DAYS UNTIL THE BABY COMES. I mean, another person.  Is going to be here.  With us.  All. The. Time. And that means that first - THE BABY HAS TO COME OUT OF MY BODY.  Hopefully the normal way....wait, I don't know, that sounds like it hurts.  But a c-section doesn't really sound so awesome either.  And then when it someohow gets here the baby is going to have to survive and drink stuff . . . which means the baby is going to breastfeed because everyone knows that BREAST IS BEST.  That seems like it's going to feel . . . . funny.  I mean, won't that feel kind of weird?  No, of course not, it's natural and it's good for the baby and that's all that's important.  I'm going to read all I can and I'll be so prepared and it's NATURAL, right?  I mean, they didn't have formula for zillions of years look at how many babies survived.  Of COURSE it will work and I will be awesome at it!

13.  I'm done.  I'm ready to meet this child and I'll pull it out from between my legs Kourtney Kardashian style if I have to.  And I'll stay up all day and night with that child as long as it will just COME OUT!

And then you have a sweet little peanut and after visiting with the oh so handsome and sweet little baby Henry Tuck and his parents this past weekend, I have more thoughts on the slightly terrifying and definitely overwhelming "newborn stage" I've previously written about.....maybe this blog drought will be broken yet! 

Wait, I just jinxed myself, didn't I?  Happy Monday!